trust..

Trust is a big deal.

I have had problems periodically through my whole life with issues of trust. When I was a child, my mom and I moved a lot and that created a situation where reading people was difficult. I never got to know anyone and I wanted desperately to have friends and people I could trust and rely on. Once we got to a more stable situation in life, I was a preteen. We all know how volatile those years can be. The emotions, especially with girls, are very difficult to manage.

When I got to my teenage years, I still hadn't had the experience to know when someone could be trusted. I went through some really traumatic experiences in those years and made some really horrible decisions because of it.

Moving to a big city after graduation just complicated things for me. Some of the people I chose to spend time with and to be friends with were not good choices. A lot of things changed for me when I met and married Mr.B. He helped me to develop more skills in many areas and to live a better, more confident life.

In spite of how far I've come, it never fails to get me every time when I come up against a situation where I don't know if I can trust someone. In the past year, it has happened many times. I wish it was easier... and I wish I could KNOW if people are telling me the truth and how to fix it - especially people close to me. I know that this is part of the depression I've been feeling off and on of late. It is so frustrating to me.

Dee..

decisions, decisions..

Well, this will not be a long post. I've been busy lately between trying to get landscaping quotes, working, keeping up with the house and such, and then either feeling poorly myself or having someone else in the house not feeling well. I'm not one of those endless energies people, for sure.

It's taken weeks to get 3 measly quotes for the landscaping we are needing/wanting done. I must have called a good dozen companies and got 4 to come and take a look. Today I told Mr.B that quotes or no quotes we'd soon have to make a decision and minutes later, the phone rang. The last company we had come to take a look ws calling with their total figures... and said they would drop off a written quote tomorrow. That will make 3 and while I was really hoping to have 5 quotes, I will be settling for 3.

Over the weekend we will take a closer look at the quotes and make sure we know what we are getting and what we are not with each one. Then we'll decide and notify the "winner" and get a potential start date. I can hardly wait to see the work begin... under a clear blue sky!

Dee..

the real purpose..

Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine. ~ Kathleen Norris, writer

I read this quote on a blog I frequent and it struck a chord with me.

Most people pray when they need something. Sometimes it is a situation where it's something for themselves, like a new job or new home. Sometimes it's something for someone else they know and care about, like health for a family member. Now, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with praying these kinds of prayers. I believe, and there is much evidence in the Bible, that God hears and sometimes answers these types of prayers.

BUT... What happens when we pray and pray for these kinds of things and God seems silent? How does that affect us? How does it affect others around us?

I've heard it said that God's answers are one of three things: yes, no, and not now. I'm not sure I believe that. The reason is that sometimes what we go through seems to be more about our character than about the stuff we pray for. By this, I don't mean that God doesn't care about answering our prayers. I believe He does. I just believe that He cares more about improving our lives through improving who we are inside. It's not that we aren't doing a good job. It's that everyone can do a better job. None of us is perfect at how we live our lives and how we react to situations and people in our lives. For this reason, I believe the most effective prayers we can pray are those heartfelt prayers to help us be different.

Again, there is nothing wrong with praying for someone's health, job situation, or relationships be they someone else's or our own. God hears those prayers, too. But the lasting answers are most often found in positive change to the hearts and attitudes of people.

Dee..

familiarity..

Feeling incompetent. That's where I was today. It was the one day of the week that I work at the new location of the company I work for. I like the familiar. I don't always take well to change.

There are a lot of new things involved with this new store. The stock is in different places than at the store I'm used to. The cash register is a computer rather than a more manual type. There is clothing to keep track of in addition to shoes. The clientele is different... a little less laid back. It seems noisier and more difficult to hear the customers.

There are also a lot of good things to look forward to... but they are harder to see when being clouded by the new. The new location is brighter and roomier. There are some ways that the computer system simplifies things. It is nice to be where the guys are doing the repairs in case we need to ask questions.

It's likely that I will get used to the new store and enjoy being there. It's likely that I just need more time there to get used to things and learn more about that computer system. I wish it wasn't quite so far from home... even though it's not REALLY that far to drive 15-20 minutes. I don't even mind driving. In fact, I enjoy it.

Time is the big factor. Time will make me as comfortable with the new store as I am with the old one. Time will build my confidence. Time is what I need. Time... will make me more comfortable with the changes.

Dee..

stresses..

The past week or so I've been having some issues with sleeping. The heat likely plays a huge role in the whole scenario. I usually toss and turn a LOT when it's been hot for a while. You see, we don't have air conditioning in our little house. Seriously, we don't feel like there is really a need for air conditioning in our locale. Our house is okay until it's been several days of heat or heat and humidity. It usually only happens that the house doesn't cool down for a short time every summer.

When stresses of life are added to the mix of heat and humiity, things tend to turn ugly. The most recent sleep issues, I recognize as being something more than just the heat and humidity. Lack of sleep can do pretty strange things to us. I have had a lot of bad dreams. I don't remember them all but in one night I had 5 nightmares. I only recall one fully. I was holding a child... a little girl. Whose child, I don't know. I noticed this adorable little girl had no diaper on and had a touch of a diaper rash so I wanted to remedy that. I took the child over by a counter and she started slipping out of my grasp. I allowed her to slide down my body until she reached the floor between my feet. The baby suddenly tipped over and her beautiful little face slammed into the floor. I reached down to pick her up again and realized that she wasn't moving. When I picked her up and turned her around, the baby's forehead was smashed and blood covered. The baby was dead. It was absolutely terrifying! And that same night, I felt that identical feeling 5 times.

These types of feelings can be difficult to overcome. I've had some other health issues acting up sporadically as well. Some chest pains, lack of motivation, and some depression have been back in my life. I haven't had some of these things going on for about 5 or 6 years. I haven't quite figured out how to get a grip on things and make them better again but I feel pretty sure that I will find a way. Some of it is just how slowly thing tend to happen for us.

With Mr.B's illness, things are very overwhelming to try to get done. Big things we should probably hire out to a contractor but before his illness we would have done this stuff ourselves and he feels badly that he can't still take care of things that way. I can accept the changes that have happened in our life since then. And I can understand how hard it is for Mr.B to accept. I really think it would be easier to hire someone and just have these things done so we can enjoy the rest of our time together. I'm thankful we have a son who is so willing to spend time helping us with the things that are needed. It was also easier when I wasn't working because we could do things when Mr.B felt he was having a better day and could supervise and teach us. Now that I'm working 5 days a week, it's a lot more difficult to do that. I need to have energy for work and WonderSchmud is working 4 or 5 days a week as well, needing energy for his work days. I think I might just need to sit down and make some calls. Maybe I need to just go ahead and hire these jobs out and get them done.

What symptoms do you experience when there are higher levels of stress in your life? How do you respond to it? Do you realize it is stress that is causing the symptomology?

Dee..