the real purpose..

Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine. ~ Kathleen Norris, writer

I read this quote on a blog I frequent and it struck a chord with me.

Most people pray when they need something. Sometimes it is a situation where it's something for themselves, like a new job or new home. Sometimes it's something for someone else they know and care about, like health for a family member. Now, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with praying these kinds of prayers. I believe, and there is much evidence in the Bible, that God hears and sometimes answers these types of prayers.

BUT... What happens when we pray and pray for these kinds of things and God seems silent? How does that affect us? How does it affect others around us?

I've heard it said that God's answers are one of three things: yes, no, and not now. I'm not sure I believe that. The reason is that sometimes what we go through seems to be more about our character than about the stuff we pray for. By this, I don't mean that God doesn't care about answering our prayers. I believe He does. I just believe that He cares more about improving our lives through improving who we are inside. It's not that we aren't doing a good job. It's that everyone can do a better job. None of us is perfect at how we live our lives and how we react to situations and people in our lives. For this reason, I believe the most effective prayers we can pray are those heartfelt prayers to help us be different.

Again, there is nothing wrong with praying for someone's health, job situation, or relationships be they someone else's or our own. God hears those prayers, too. But the lasting answers are most often found in positive change to the hearts and attitudes of people.

Dee..

familiarity..

Feeling incompetent. That's where I was today. It was the one day of the week that I work at the new location of the company I work for. I like the familiar. I don't always take well to change.

There are a lot of new things involved with this new store. The stock is in different places than at the store I'm used to. The cash register is a computer rather than a more manual type. There is clothing to keep track of in addition to shoes. The clientele is different... a little less laid back. It seems noisier and more difficult to hear the customers.

There are also a lot of good things to look forward to... but they are harder to see when being clouded by the new. The new location is brighter and roomier. There are some ways that the computer system simplifies things. It is nice to be where the guys are doing the repairs in case we need to ask questions.

It's likely that I will get used to the new store and enjoy being there. It's likely that I just need more time there to get used to things and learn more about that computer system. I wish it wasn't quite so far from home... even though it's not REALLY that far to drive 15-20 minutes. I don't even mind driving. In fact, I enjoy it.

Time is the big factor. Time will make me as comfortable with the new store as I am with the old one. Time will build my confidence. Time is what I need. Time... will make me more comfortable with the changes.

Dee..

stresses..

The past week or so I've been having some issues with sleeping. The heat likely plays a huge role in the whole scenario. I usually toss and turn a LOT when it's been hot for a while. You see, we don't have air conditioning in our little house. Seriously, we don't feel like there is really a need for air conditioning in our locale. Our house is okay until it's been several days of heat or heat and humidity. It usually only happens that the house doesn't cool down for a short time every summer.

When stresses of life are added to the mix of heat and humiity, things tend to turn ugly. The most recent sleep issues, I recognize as being something more than just the heat and humidity. Lack of sleep can do pretty strange things to us. I have had a lot of bad dreams. I don't remember them all but in one night I had 5 nightmares. I only recall one fully. I was holding a child... a little girl. Whose child, I don't know. I noticed this adorable little girl had no diaper on and had a touch of a diaper rash so I wanted to remedy that. I took the child over by a counter and she started slipping out of my grasp. I allowed her to slide down my body until she reached the floor between my feet. The baby suddenly tipped over and her beautiful little face slammed into the floor. I reached down to pick her up again and realized that she wasn't moving. When I picked her up and turned her around, the baby's forehead was smashed and blood covered. The baby was dead. It was absolutely terrifying! And that same night, I felt that identical feeling 5 times.

These types of feelings can be difficult to overcome. I've had some other health issues acting up sporadically as well. Some chest pains, lack of motivation, and some depression have been back in my life. I haven't had some of these things going on for about 5 or 6 years. I haven't quite figured out how to get a grip on things and make them better again but I feel pretty sure that I will find a way. Some of it is just how slowly thing tend to happen for us.

With Mr.B's illness, things are very overwhelming to try to get done. Big things we should probably hire out to a contractor but before his illness we would have done this stuff ourselves and he feels badly that he can't still take care of things that way. I can accept the changes that have happened in our life since then. And I can understand how hard it is for Mr.B to accept. I really think it would be easier to hire someone and just have these things done so we can enjoy the rest of our time together. I'm thankful we have a son who is so willing to spend time helping us with the things that are needed. It was also easier when I wasn't working because we could do things when Mr.B felt he was having a better day and could supervise and teach us. Now that I'm working 5 days a week, it's a lot more difficult to do that. I need to have energy for work and WonderSchmud is working 4 or 5 days a week as well, needing energy for his work days. I think I might just need to sit down and make some calls. Maybe I need to just go ahead and hire these jobs out and get them done.

What symptoms do you experience when there are higher levels of stress in your life? How do you respond to it? Do you realize it is stress that is causing the symptomology?

Dee..

grace..

Lately on my days off of work, I've been making progress around home again. I seem to go in bursts and spurts. For a while I feel crappy and do little... and then something clicks and progress comes in an abundance. I find it funny how that happens. I find it annoying. I would love to have what it takes to just push through during those times when energy and desire wanes.

There seems to be so much to do all the time and not enough time to do it in. I hear that a lot from people I know, too. It's not a situation isolated to my life alone. It takes a special kind of person to just persevere regardless of how they feel. Especially these days. The world is full of people who will make excuses/explanations when things don't go as they probably should. I am one of them. And the world is full of people who use those excuses and/or explanations to give them an out. I probably do that on occasion, too. Perhaps we all do to some degree or another.

I try to be one of those that doesn't give up but to anyone who would watch my life from a distance, I'm sure it might not seem that I'm trying. As with anything, the key is to examine ourselves periodically... or even regularly. It's tough to be honest with ourselves but it IS necessary if we are to make progress. Grace is a primary feature. Yes, grace. Grace with ourselves. Sometimes it's not so hard to extend grace to others but to give it to ourselves is quite another story.

Grace. Take the tough look. Assess where we do well and where we are headed for failure. Make the decision to change directions. Forget what is behind and move forward on the new path. That doesn't mean to ignore it if we have hurt others on the path we were on. We sometimes need to acknowledge that and then moving on is easier... but we do need to move on. And each time we make a mistake, each time we realize we were getting off track, we need to do it all over again. Assess, decide, change and move forward. Each time we do, it will give the next time a new simplicity and wear in that path to living life as we should: in grace toward ourselves and others.

Dee..

end of an era..

It's the end of an era for us. Our days of homeschooling are over. It's kind of sad for us and I know we will both miss it dramatically. Homeschooling had its moments... the ups and downs... but overall, it was a great way to live. I've had my share of doubts over the past year with all that's gone on in our life since our daughter ran away but I've come to a place, today at least, where I am not sorry to have taken that time and focus on our children and raising them at home full-time.

Tonight we had an impromptu night out with two other couples that homeschool their children. They are both still teaching theirs since they have younger children but one was mentioning how she needed a teacher appreciation day.... so Mr.B decided to declare one and we went to celebrate. I had been working and it was good timing since we didn't know what we'd have for supper tonight. ;) It was a fun time visiting and having 40% off on our appetizers was a bonus! It was 40% off Appie night at Brewster's tonight.

I really think that we should have done this sort of thing sooner with other couples at the end of the year. It really is something to celebrate! Our children learn so much over a school year and grow up so much. Those milestones are worth paying attention to. This might be our last year to do so... but I would encourage all homeschooling families to do something with other families at year end to mark the milestones along the way. Oh the things I'd do differently if I were beginning again!

Dee..