Here I go again. I am negligent in blogging. I am still having a hard time with the death issues from last spring and just can't seem to bring myself to post much. I've been very busy through this school year (not really an excuse) but I've just felt unendingly sad this year. If you've ever felt that way, you will know that it's incredibly difficult to convince yourself that you have anything at all worthwhile to contribute to the lives of others.

December was especially difficult because that is the month that held my step-father's birthday. On that day I had an evening commitment I struggled to get through. Then it seemed to be fairly quickly on the heels of the birthday was Christmas. December was one of Dad's favourite times of year. Having him gone this year... and the reality of that... the issue of mortality shoved in my face... made this Christmas an extremely difficult season. I hope that it will get easier each year.

It's not even that there haven't been some good things happening here and there. There have been. The biggest of those is that we managed to get our financial situation into a position that we can start to think about the renovations that have been needed since we bought our house almost 7 years ago now. It's exciting! It's also exhausting to even think about. We need new flooring and paint through the entire main floor. We need a new bathroom so that the facilities will accommodate my husband's disability and allow him a little more freedom and independence. (It's been a long 7 years for him.) We need a kitchen. The one we have is falling apart so badly. We've lost almost all our cupboard doors, the flooring is gouged and stained horribly, and the layout just does NOT work at all. Finally, we spend a lot of time in our basement as that is where there is the most space for the whole family and we really need to brighten it up a bit... after we brace the floor joists. It's an overwhelming thought of the money this will cost and what it will do to our debt load. There are so many decisions that need to be made. How do we get what we need and quality materials so we aren't having to do this again in another 10-20 years. I know that the best thing to do is take it one thing at a time but it's really difficult to do when there's so MUCH that needs doing. We've never done this before and it's a little scary to even get started. However, that said, we have started making some basic decisions on layout and started looking at options for materials.

Now, many people would say that this is a perfect opportunity for a homeschool family. I struggle with the balance between schooling and life issues sometimes. I realize that life IS education and while I don't dispute that, there are certain amounts of book learning that are beneficial to have in case university is in your child's future. There are some things they need to be able to do if they are going to continue with post-secondary book learning. They NEED tools and skills in that area to build on. They can't just go in cold. So, back to the struggle to find balance through this time and how to capitalize on the experience.

The struggle I've had with the events of the past year is getting to a point where it needs to be dealt with more concretely so that I can really find fulfillment again. I am starting next week with a Griefshare group for 13 weeks. I hope it will help me to sort out those issues that have robbed me of joy the past months. I want to be able to move on and LIVE.

This is just a few of the things that have been occupying my mind and energies in recent months. I hope to try to blog more but, honestly, it will come as it comes for now.

Dee..